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Riding the Storm Out

•November 2, 2010 • Leave a Comment

I have an idea!  It will take a little planning though and some work to see if it proves successful.  The great thing about ideas are that if you have enough of them, eventually one will work, and this one may.

It will not be a quick fix to our current financial situation, after all, on my current visa I can not work in Australia at all, I can not even volunteer.  The next four weeks will be very difficult due some weekly high payments on the new visa.  I have seen the impossible happen before, so I’m hopeful for a miracle again so all we can do is rough it out and ride the storm.

My oldest son was in a bad situation with finances a few months ago, so we sent him money.  I’d rather struggle and know  he is ok.  It meant so much to me that Darren agreed, so here we are, riding the storm out.

All my kids are doing well.  Warren (my ex) and I have really been communicating well lately, to the point of  him asking me for relationship advice in the current relationship he is in surprisingly enough, so it has eased my mind greatly having a peace about it.  Greatest of all, is my children are all doing very well.

Yesterday, I made myself an exercise plan and I have determined to stick to it.  So despite sore legs, I grabbed my Ipod and headed out to the Esplanade and moved it around the maze of paths at the oceans edge.  It is really beautiful there.  People are everywhere doing the same thing. You can look over the edge of the planked walkways and see the little crabs running around when the tide is out.  The birds there are my favorite, I love water birds.  The colors are gorgeous, all shades of blues, greens,  browns and dusty creams.  The constant breeze from the ocean counteracts the beating sun pounding on you, and the air is so nice to breath in.  It is just a good feeling to be alive!  I have  let myself go for so long so I do have some weight to lose (that’s another of my many battles), so long story short, it won’t be the last time I tread those paths and watch little crabs scuttle around. 

My next art quilt will most definately be a bird on those shores.

Ok, now onto my idea…

I have been asked in July 2011 to teach my art technique in a 3 day course to 300-500 people.  Why cant I do something sooner, and make up patterns with instructions and sell them?  If there are that many people interested in learning from me, it sounds logical and very achieveable.  I can draw anything, so coming up with a pattern will not be difficult for me to do at all.  I can write and explain things step by step…I can teach.

Maybe I can work on that while I have all this idle waiting time for visas.

hmmm…trying never hurts.  If it doesnt work..I will keep trying.

Help! I need somebody!

•November 1, 2010 • Leave a Comment

Pressure and stress are all around us no matter where we go or what we do. Sometimes our choices add complications, but over all I do believe it has everything to do with our outlook on situations. This is life and if it was always easy how could we know success, victory or happiness.

I had a really bad week last week. We are struggling with my visa which is adding a lot of stress, its not cheap and they give no leeway. One mess up and I will be waving goodbye to Australia with a no welcome back. Luckily, we met the deadline, but we have four more to go in the following month, so this next month will be very trying.
I also had some issues with Darren’s family. BLAH! How I use to long for family to be near and close in my previous marriage, I thought it would be so wonderful and I never had that. Now, Im begging for family to go away and take all the bull they are throwing on us with them. We are going through enough.. PLEASE let us BREATH! I guess it hurts me so badly because I loved them as my own sister and mom.

I could go on down the list, however I will stop there. Nonetheless, I wanted to curl up in a ball and wither away this week. I seriously considered for a short time just giving up and going back to the country I know. Darren did nothing to me, so it wasnt him at all. We do wonderful together, it’s just a lot of things we are dealing with. See, its never easy no matter where you are.

After long discussions with Darren, I told him I needed help dealing with these things because I am not doing well with it all at times. He told me, the only one who can help me is myself.

I feel as if I have been in a box for a long time that has been crushed from every side.

We talked about how he deals with things verses how I do. I do not blow things off at all, I take everything to heart, which isnt always a good thing. I am much more sensitive than usual since the divorce, very on edge a lot of the time, so that isnt helping as well.

I woke up today and held onto Darren’s words, I determined that if my outlook and my attitude is what makes it so difficult for me to blow things off…then I need to make changes because the stress I create for myself is way too much for me to handle.

I do need to help myself, by changing my perspective…and expecting resistance and difficulty rather than being surprised by it all the time. I need to focus on what is important, and all the little things( little things include family causing problems) … I need to just…blow it off.

SO…
I made a plan.
I exercised today and I have determined to start doing healthy things in place of all the negativisms that I have focused on for so long.

I can help myself.
I can learn to blow it off and refocus on positives.

I have been torn down for so long, why do I want to stay there? I dont.

Under the Curtain Figs

•October 27, 2010 • Leave a Comment

Art Quilt in Progress

 

Somehow I fell in love with art quilts, its like painting with fabric to me.  You can achieve so much more with it verses actual paint, such as textures and more vibrant colors.

Im just self taught and I like it that way.  No rules, no right or wrong…and I just let me imagination go.

Letting Sun Shine In

•October 27, 2010 • Leave a Comment

Let’s not forget that the little emotions are the great captains of our lives and we obey them without realizing it. ~Vincent Van Gogh, 1889

So says the man who chopped his own ear off…ironic.

Emotions are powerful, this is true. They can be positive or negative and I tend to agree with the famous artist, that emotions can be the captains of our lives.

When you write or talk about the past, you relive. When it still causes you to shake thinking about it…you know there are very powerful emotions attached to what you are saying.

Through my writing, my life, I can go so many directions with it. For now, I think its important for the reader to gain a basis of understanding, so I leave much out. Do I focus on divorce and healing? Do I focus on the anxiety? I could make it really easy and just focus on my art and bypass all painful things lol .

The truth is that I have struggled with anxiety attacks, especially during stressful times. For me, it usually hits not when there is chaos but after, when all is better. Such has been the case for about the last six months and I do struggle almost every single day.

Anxiety is when fear manifest itself physically in our bodies. Our emotions are a great cause of this. I’m not a doctor, but I have lived it so I do have knowledge based off of my rapidly beating heart, dizziness and feeling like Im going to die episodes…then half an hour later feeling just fine.

I think for me, because I have lived such hard things, I almost fear normalcy. When there is nothing to panic about, that causes me to panic. I do fine during the trauma…its just after when it seems to effect me.

I write this only to give some insight. We read what people write so easily not always realizing the emotions sometimes attached to the person writing it.

My emotions have been on heightened alert for 8 years solid. So today Im opening all curtains and Im going to let the sun shine in on this beautiful day because after all, it is a new day!

Is it hard for me to write these things? yes, it is. Why do i do it? Because if I help one person to know they can make it through, and offer some hope…I have succeeded.

At a later time, I will talk more about my anxiety attacks.

Just keep in mind that your own outlook on a situation is vital.. never lose hope. There is always sunshine after a storm, no matter how terrible that storm may be. Our emotions do not have to captain our lives in a negative way anymore… that is why today I am letting sun shine in.

My Message Today

•October 27, 2010 • Leave a Comment

I woke up this morning, did all my regular duties such as taking Darren to work so I can have the car and etc. Got home, and onto my facebook page for a minute to check if there were any messages from my kids…and there was a message from my ex-husband Warren.

It’s 8am, and I was in tears. Again.

I guess his business is going well. I lived through all the hard time of it, now it is finally paying off for him. Research I did way back when we were deciding whether it was worth it to step out and quit a high paying job with great medical benefits to go on your own said that it takes 8-10 years of struggle before the business finally takes off. That has proved to be true.

Back then, I remember it so clearly, it was definately a great leap of faith. I believed in Warren and his abilities…it was his dream to start his own business. My thinking was “just do it”. I worked, so he could fulfill his dream, and we struggled.

We took care of my grandparents too, then the wreck happened. So as you can imagine, not a day of it was ever easy. But we persevered.

My son told me last nite, Warren’s step father has offered to fully fund his company if he comes up with a good business plan to present. Warren will do well and I am happy for him. It frustrates me tho and I will explain why later.

The message said some things concerning our daughter, then he went on to say that he wanted to be able to talk to me about things other than the kids because I know him best. He said that he was sorry for how things turned out and he forgives me for leaving.

Now to tell you why that information bothered me a little.

Warren’s parents always had a high income, both having good careers. As I got older I realized that even people with high incomes could be as broke as we were if you live outside your means. Vacations, lavish items and etc. can do that to anyone.

I sat by for years, as my kids birthdays passed, sometimes they were remembered… sometimes not, it just hurt me because what wonderful kids they never got to really know. The money was more important. A gift in the mail really meant nothing, a relationship is what should have mattered.

Long story short, when the wreck happened and we arrived in Pennsylvania to the trauma center, I was alone virtually the entire time trying divide “one me” between four severely injured children scattered throughout the hospital.

My boys basically were by themselves because I couldnt leave Montana. As I mentioned before, months after the wreck through my persistance based on the fact I knew something wasnt right…they found the break in her neck. Rotary Subluxation of C1 and C2. The blood curdling cries of my daughter still resonate clearly in my head from that time in the hospital.

For whatever reason, during that time, Warren and Al (step father) make a special arrangement with someone from the hospital to use their home computer so Warren could do some work.

I needed him, His kids needed him…and I’d just like to know why it had to be done then? It didnt, that’s the thing. It was done none other to show off to his step father.

I could never forgive him for that. The marriage deteriorated from that point on.

I loved Warren, you see, this divorce is not a case of two people that couldn’t stand eachother and just living together, going through the motions. Maybe that is why…I still cry.

Money will never be more important than my children.

Maybe it was just Warren’s way to deal with the trauma, to escape it. I considered that believe me and that may very well be true because he is not a horrible person. But the fact always remained, that I truely needed him and he wasnt there for five days.

Later as time went by, four years to be exact, the lawsuit was coming to an end. We had not intended to sue the tire company, our decision was made when Montana went back into the hospital right when they found the break in her neck months later.

I fought for justice for what my kids lost. The wreck changed them. All had head injuries. Things such as memory loss, nuerological problems, and etc. were present every single day in each of their lives to varying degrees. My children were not born this way, they were forced to learn to live a new way to compensate for the changes in them. I fought hard, for them. Sometimes that meant fighting doctors, even my own lawyers. Why? Because head injuries in children are not recognized in America as they should be. What did that require of me? I had to educate myself to have a leg to stand on.

I fought for 4 years.

In July 2009, Michilin wanted to settle. Warren’s parents flew in because their attorneys were working with ours.

I will never forget that day, because that is the very day my decision was made to go to Australia. Warren’s father sat at the desk and determined my kids would get 20% and they would get the rest. He made some smart-ass snide comments to me, Warren sat there and did nothing. And my heart was gone from that moment on. They took from my children.

My children did not get offered what they would deserve for what they went through anyway. If it had been a tractor trailor that hit them, with all the same injuries they would have been awarded in excess of 20 million. But because it was a major tire company and the first major incident of that tire, the award was a slap in the face. 1.8 million was awarded to my children combined with Warren’s parents.

After I put them in the proper funds, my boys got $35,000 each…Montana got $220,000 and Warren’s parents got the rest.

Yes, it angers me. They would have got nothing if it was not for my daily journals, they took it all and my children are forever changed.

It was never about money to me, in my opinion I would have loved to take it and tell Michilin to shove it up their asses.

My children, four, FOUR, all at once could have been gone from the face of this earth had it not been for the grace of God.

Greed- Tire company…they know their product will have a certain percentage of failure, lets put the product out their knowingly and just pay out the small percentage that fails- make money that way.
Greed- lets take from children who will never be the same.

I’VE JUST HAD ENOUGH OF IT.

so take the money, start new businesses and lavish as you have, but you better bet to hear from me if my kids are EVER forgotten.

No Going Back

•October 24, 2010 • Leave a Comment

To continue from my earlier post, there are so many aspects to consider concerning divorce and there are no easy solutions.  It is not as easy as being out of the situation and “it all gets better.”

Your past, as well as your partners past is a new factor to deal with.  This is another area I was not prepared for, HIS EXWIFE.  You would hope adults would be adults, but that is not always the case and I have now experienced this.  That in itself without everything else, has been very hard to deal with for the last year…and it only gets more complex as she plays more tricks and stoops to new levels of low.  This is something you need to be very aware of, because as uninvited she is into my life…she is now a part of it.  I do not have direct contact with her, but she plays her tricks through their children and tries using them to carry out her mischief.   Believe me when I say, this is not a fun thing to deal with and its near impossible to ignore.

 All children involved no matter what age, are effected.  The lack of control you may have once had, is gone.  The question of “did I do the right thing” hides in the back of your mind.  Not to mention your entire life, the way you did things and everything you’ve known…changes.

I mentioned dealing with the “new girlfriend” and this person’s influence on your children’s lives…You have no control of it at all.  All you have is the small shred of hope that your ex will use good judgement, but that hope runs thin when you hear from your own children what goes on.

There are so many directions I could go with this.  What exactly am I trying to say?

DIVORCE MEANS NOTHING STAYS THE SAME… things you never imagined will be the most painful things you have to deal with.

There is no way to prepare.  There is no way to make it easy.  There is no way everyone will not be effected.  If you think in your current relationship that you cry now, maybe from lonliness or whatever it might be… I will assure you that in the last year  and since my divorce, I have never cried so much in my life.  You can not escape the pain, though I am content in my current relationship the fact of the matter is… the past still remains for both Darren and I. 

I am happy in the place I am now and I do love my partner (partner is such a dorky term to me, but he is so much more than just simply a boyfriend).   He gives to me so much that I never had, sometimes things as simple as a touch.  We’ve been through so much and we are still learning about eachother.  We know that the hard times are far from over. 

I guess to sum this up, the finality of divorce is that there is no undoing and no going back, and that has to be well thought of. 

I am simply making people aware of the ramifications based off of my experiences.  It is a  life long change, not only effecting your own life.   I’m over a year into it, and the tears still come.  I am seriously betting…they always will.