I Will Hold My Head High

The strangest thing occured this morning.  I suddenly woke up at 5am having a nightmare about my ex and his new girlfriend.  It was so vivid, just as if I had lived the very nightmare I had just dreamt about.  My heart was pounding, I was drenched with sweat.  BLAH!

Yesterday was a tough day for me.  I called home to speak to my grandmother, which was a good conversation, nothing like talking to my grandma.  I have missed her.  Shortly after that I had tried calling home to speak to my youngest son.  I called twice to no avail because my ex-husband has apparently blocked my number.  It said I had to enter a security code.  I tried all day not to overreact, just in case he didnt really do this, but I gaurentee you in my heart I was ready to swim over the ocean too kick some ass.  So, with no more said, yes I was angry.

The divorce was very civil, it was totally uncontested~ no fighting very simple, in fact he took me to the airport when I left.  We both cried together that day, it was sad to see twenty years with someone just be gone in a flash as if it was all meaningless.   All these promises are made by him prior to leaving, now one by one everything changes.  Intentionally or unintentionally, I am not sure, but I just wonder why I put myself through so much hell to sort things out properly if it all doesnt matter now.  You think you know someone, WRONG.

There’s always two sides to every story, so I do not place all the blame on him.  He was a good person, people just change and we did.  We went through a hell of a lot more than most these last eight years, especially the last four following the wreck.

My concern is not with him.  We are both single now, free to do as we please so he can do what he wants.  My pain comes from his influence on my children and HER influence on them as well.  That was my nightmare, some strange woman being “mother” to my kids.

I was the one to make the choice to leave, it was decided by us to leave the kids where they were due to school and their friends.  My oldest son has his own life, and a girlfriend he is very happy with.  The middle two, are teenagers and have their friends so they are content.  It is my youngest one that the nightmare came from.  He is only 13.  This fear also comes from the fact everything is opposite as to how we discussed.  Out of site, out of mind, that seems to be the case now.  Get rid of Amy’s junk in the house, considering I took nothing with me at all so all I own is there~ get rid of it tho and “she is gone completely”.   That is how he is treating me now. But hello, I am still those kids’ mother no matter what.

I dont care about what I own, I never have.  Throw it away, I dont care.  They are just things that can be replaced in time.  But my children are my life, and this is where he takes his digs at me and he did for three years.

I know in my heart the wife and mother that I was.  They were my all, including him.  Am I perfect? no.  Did I fail?  yes, because I wasnt patient enough.  Did I let my kids down?  I do beleive so, why? Because I went against what I taught them was right and wrong.  Divorce is something I was strongly against.  I believed you marry and you are married for life until you die.

Having said all of this, I will not go down without a fight and I refuse to be looked upon as the “bad guy”.   I know who I am, I know what I beleive, and I am the same person I have always been. And yes, my children still mean everything to me even though I am 7000 miles away from them. I AM THEIR MOTHER, and I always will be. Not just a mother who bore them and forgets, but a mother who thinks about and prays for them every single day.   It hurts me because I see how he thinks of me now, that is ok.  He can think what he wants, I know the truth.  My biggest fear is what my kids think of me.  In 12 days Im flying back to the US to see them, Im excited but partly scared. 

I will hold my head high, despite whats been said about me.

So, there you have it, I opened myself up.  By doing that it makes yourself vulnerable.  I say this only because, I beleive I will make it through this.  It’s ok to be knocked down, as long as you can get back up. 

*amy remembers the sunshine and smiles  = )

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Slowly sinking, hard to stand

Trembling, you feel it, anger demands…

Restricting all vision, fear takes your hand.

Under the shadows

Guilt decends

Glaring and gnashing, against all of your will

Like a pillar, the truth rages  in

Earning the victory to stand once again. ~ajp ~written 1/5/2010

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~ by itsjojogirl on January 5, 2010.

5 Responses to “I Will Hold My Head High”

  1. Amy – I’m drawn to your story. I hope you keep writing. How did you end up in Australia?
    I started a new blog recently at: http://samstartingover.wordpress.com/ – it it’s ok with you, I’d like to add you to the blogroll there.
    Thanks,
    Sam

    • I am really knew to this and I wasnt sure how it would go. Keep reading and I will tell ya how I ended up in australia. Truely appreciate what you said, thanks.

    • sure that would be great. thanks

    • lol i wont keep u under suspense.. same reason as you. I ended up in Australia because my love is here, I met him online, known him for years we were only friends tho until May when we truely started talking deep.
      Hey tell me how I add you to my blogroll. I DONT know how to do any of this stuff… just learning.. how did u get the thing that shows how many views you have to your page? You have done an excellent job on your blog, you write very well. You and I are quite alike it seems, I look forward to reading more of yours as well.
      Is there a way to mark your page as a favorite too so I can always find it @_@ see im a noob lol

  2. Hi Amy –
    I see you’re playing with the settings and getting things set up too. It’s addicting, isn’t it? You can change the appearance and content more by going to the “Appearance – Widget” settings on the dashboard of your blog. The “Links” widget is your blogroll… and you can manually enter links there (“add new”) or when you’re browsing other WordPress blogs, there’s usually a link at tha top of the page that says, “Blog Info” then “Add to Blogroll”. You’ll get it. =)
    I look foward to reading more from you… right now… I best get to work.
    Take care,
    Sam

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