Little Too Little, Little Too Late

 Today I got onto my facebook page and surprisingly there was message from my daughter to call her.  I was so excited just because she needed me.  I called immediately and she couldnt remember what she needed me for (thats the head injury at work), but nonetheless I was happy to just hear my baby girl’s voice.  She seemed happy and we were joking around. 

That has been the hardest thing for me, is the fact no one goes out of their way to contact me.  I use to be the center of everything, which is how I wanted it to be, now Im just the person in another world.  That is how it feels anyway.  So these little times, spuratic as they are, when someone tries… it means so much to me.  It isnt my childrens fault they dont call, the number is always conveniently lost.  I do all I can to make sure they know I am here, so I hope they know this in their hearts.  And if I hurt over on this side, thats ok, as long as they arent.

The silence is the hardest part.  Not hearing, not knowing.  Being excluded, and that is what is happening.  My ex-husband is avoiding all contact with me, its sad twenty years can come to just being a nobody, obviously thats what I have become to him.  I’m sure some of it is his anger at me, some of it just may be his way to cope that I am gone and not coming back like he had hoped.  I dont blame him, I just wish the effort I made prior to leaving so things would be smooth was all in vain.

He decided finally to give a little, when it was much too late.  My heart couldn’t change that as much as it wanted too.  That is not my fault. 

Twenty years, gone in a snap. Just like that.  I think the not knowing and feeling isolated from my kids…is much harder than the bull I had to put up with daily by him tho.  So I defiantely wasnt going for the easy way out, There is no such thing as an easy way out.   Again, it was too little too late, and I am firm in my decision.

ONE YOU

Whats left in the ruins
the marred land I once knew
torn desolation
of all that was true

The sun will keep shining
on lands that were lost
How could something so simple
become rivers uncrossed?

too little too late
a dollar too short
I ran a million miles,
with a million more to go.

So close to the finish
only to start again
holding onto the now
trying to forget the “then”

There is always a rainbow
Storms blow away
The race is never finished
And there is always another day.

Rise from the ashes
Hold onto whats true
the past makes us stronger
and there is only one you.  ~ajp 1/8/2010

 

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~ by itsjojogirl on January 8, 2010.

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