Sum it All Up to the Now

The fear I felt in returning to the US was unwarrented, because both trips that were made was a wonderful time.

Much time was spent with all my kids, however it was a strange feeling for me to drop them at my home at the end of the night and go back to the hotel. They love Darren and it was a really great time of bonding, laughing and smiles and tons of fireworks. We took them camping in Arkansas and went to Crater of Diamonds National Park. We did a lot of things, one thing I was disappointed in was that we never had all my kiddies all together at one time. (that is because my kids are older and have lives as well- which would happen whether I was here or there, its a part of life and growing into their own individual persons.)

We brought two of my children back to Australia with us on the way back. My daughter didnt want to leave her boyfriend, that is a typical teenage girl for you. At a later time we plan on flying them both here for a visit so she is happy she wont have to miss him.

One thing I love about Darren, is he really takes the time to know my children. They do matter to him, which is a MAJOR factor for me. He doesnt just say it, he shows it, and for my kids they instantly bonded with him. Especially my oldest son, which was the one that had been the angry one. Darren doesn’t have to try, its not some passing show…it is just who he is so its very sincere.
When I cry for them, he does too and its from his heart. Just as I do for his children.

As for me and my ex, there were only a few issues during the 3 weeks we were there. One was over him selling my art things. I had a small kiln for jewelry making..and he was selling it to an artsy friend. I ended up taking the kiln, then I took it back because I decided it was a small thing to argue about. I would rather my daughter have it to use than the friend, but it’s ok. It’s better not to argue because it does nothing good for anyone.
Another issue was the new girlfriend stirring up some trouble. Other than that all was really good. We were mostly successful in the kids not seeing any of the conflict and it all ended in civil terms.

My youngest son stayed with us in Australia for 4 weeks and returned in time for school to start, my 18 year old decided not to go back to the states so he is with us now.

I am 7000 miles away, yet somehow its true that still things don’t happen unless I make it happen. Warren takes care of the day to day things…but I am still the mommy that takes care of the heart things. I am still very instumental in my kids lives. I talk to them nearly everyday, and somehow in it all it doesnt feel as if we are so far away.

My summary of divorce from what I have lived:

– No matter what age your children are, they are profoundly effected.
– It strips a childs identity and only form of comfort in the world, when their “home” is destroyed. Home to a child(no matter the age) is mom and dad together. Home is not a structure their belongings are in. You could live in a box and if that relationship is intact even “a box” is their happy place.
-There are no easy solutions. If you think a new relationship is an “easy way out”, you are sadly wrong! Your problems never go away, they follow you even 7000 miles away. (to clarify, I knew this would not be easy and I did not run away…although I didnt quite understand how hard it would be and how deeply it would effect my older children)
– A new relationship equals new problems plus the old ones you had. So it is possible you are compounding the load you had.
For me, I was so lucky. Darren does love my kids from the heart but that doesnt mean we havent had issues concerning that. No one is going to love your own kids as much as you do. Even for Darren and I as strong as we are, the reality is if it came down to it: His kids would come first, just as mine would come first for me. That creates a clash in itself and a potential danger area in a relationship.
-time, time, and more time. Will it ever go away? The pain divorce causes is unimaginable. Time has gone by, I am over a year and 3 months into this and I STILL question if I did the right thing. I know I did, for me, and I love Darren with all my heart, he makes me so happy and I smile now- whats a smile without my children to share it with though?…when I see the pain my kids have felt its easy to question if I should have just lived unhappy for the sake of their happiness. The questions still roll through my head at times. The “what ifs” can drive you crazy.
-divorce means you are opening a spot for some stranger to come into your childrens lives.
I will be honest, my ex wasted no time after the divorce for a new girlfriend. And I do not like her at all. That is not a jealousy thing, it is the fact that she is everything I never would have been. I like to have a good time, but a party is not what I live for. She is a party girl. She is much older. Her son is my youngest sons best friend. And she is from the neighborhood I came from, just as I figured. This is a neighborhood full of divorced woman, and I swear they have a little party club going on. As for me, they tried to get my as a part of their “club” while I lived there and I wasnt interested. Anyways long story short because I have to go, I will continue this later… You spend your whole life protecting your kids from things and teaching them the right and wrong kind of person to be when they are grown. You spend years and years teaching them what is important and what not is important in life… and in an instant, someone is there that can jeapordize that, and has the influence to do so. That is one issue I did not expect or anticipate. When you hear the cries of your children on how they dont like the person, THAT IS THE HARD PART BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO CONTROL ANYMORE.

to be continued…

divorce is not easy.

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~ by itsjojogirl on October 22, 2010.

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